Love, Loss and Healing
Lately, my daughter has been struggling with some of life’s hardest concepts, the aftermath of loss. Unfortunately, she has had more losses of cherished pets then most by the age of seven: 2 cherished ponies, 3 dogs (they were my husband’s and my personal dogs from our single days that became family dogs in their older years J), 2 fish, and 4 chickens in the span of the last 3 years. We are a farm family and have numerous animals, plus a large family, so “loss” is part of our life. The latest was one of her pet chickens.
Some might smirk at the loss of a chicken. However, to her (and me) the chicken’s life means a tremendous amount to her sweet little spirit. I’m not sure what has prompted it but Savannah has been focused on the all losses that she has suffered in her life lately. So when my husband found one of our hens up against the fence line of the chicken coop, having been pulled partly through by some animal early that morning, I was quite annoyed that he brought her inside where the girls saw her and realized she was still alive. The chicken had no wounds or tears in her flesh. Most of the damage seemed to be nerve based. She couldn’t use or move one side of her body. Her left leg just hung there but she didn’t seem to mind if we move her around. Given that it was Saturday and yes she is a farm chicken to lay eggs we talked about our options of what do with her. At this point (because my husband included the girls) they were now part of the “family” discussion. We talked about what was fair to her and her quality of life. The compromise we came to through the tears was we would bring her inside, clean her up, get some water into her and see where it goes next.
While cleaning her up and getting a box together to move her inside I was working on my speech to try and prepare the girls for us having to put the chicken down. “She is a chicken. Yes, it is sad. BUT she is a chicken and their life cycle is short so…” Luckily this train of thought was stopped by a small voice in my gut reminding me of Mary O’Malleys quote, author of “What’s In the Way Is the Way”. She states in her book, “Life is set up to bring up what has been bound up, so it can open up to be freed up, so you can show up for Life.” I felt the calling to embrace the process with Savannah’s chicken as a metaphor for everything Savannah had been struggling with around the losses of her over loved pets and family illnesses.
With that shift I opened to her thoughts and fear. This also meant I had to be willing to open to my own thoughts and fears around loss. I allowed and encouraged her to cry. To be upset. Savannah said that she wished she would pass away on her own so we didn’t have to make a decision. With the next breath she was wishing for a miracle for her to be ok. I let her share stories about all her lost friends and loved ones. Some of the memories were real. Some were stories her mind has made up about them and their time together – to her they were totally real. I held her. I asked her what she needed. Savannah decided we should give her one perfect day of love and feeling safe then she would be okay with us helping her let go of this life. She prayed with her for comfort and to not feel pain. She sang to her. She feed her and gave her water. She said her chicken could feel all the love we were sending to her.
The three days of caring for the chicken was hard on her. There were moments when I wanted to let Henry end the process to shield Savannah from more pain. I knew that Savannah, and myself really, needed the time to explore all the losses and face what was in the way and hide from it. Savannah said her goodbyes and we held a memorial for her and all the lost loved ones.
Here is what came to me to share with Savannah, “You can try to take all the hurt and pain out of your life. To do that means taking out all the love, laughter, hugs, smiles, good moments, and positive memories too. To protect yourself from pain you have to be willing to not let anyone in…that means no pets, no family, no friends, no love. Is that price worth it? Is that the life you want to live? If not, you decide to let it all in – love, warmth, pain, laughing, crying… It can all come in. You don’t have to make that choice. It’s up to you. I am choosing to let life in. Savannah what do you want to choose?” My beautiful child looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I don’t want to not love…So I guess I choose to love and cry a little too.”
What will you let in and move through??? Wishing you comfort.
Michelle
