New Obstacles…New Healing
I’ve started and stopped writing this blog post countless times over the last few weeks. I wasn’t sure how to put into words the opportunities and challenges I’m facing right now on a personal front…so here goes in a stream of thinking format, so please excuse any typos, lol.
One of the words we as a society has grown to fear is the word “cancer”. My family is no stranger to this word, like many other individuals and families out there, most people either have a personal story or loved one that has been impacted by this word.
I have recently stepped into the role of now dealing with cancer on a personal level. After months of testing and struggling to find out what was going on with my health, I now have the answer – a very rare form of lung cancer. It has been hard for me to hold onto my personal voice and power when I received conformation of a cancer diagnosis. I went through anger. I went through paralyzing fear and what ifs. I questioned my inner guidance and trust in the universe. For right now, in this moment as I’m writing, I’ve decided to see this next chapter in my life as opportunity to hold onto my voice. I can have a say in how I choose to heal my body. I choose to believe I can come out on the other side of this challenge stronger and thriving in life on a whole new level.
In October 2016, my inner voice told me, “You, have cancer in your lungs.” I dismissed it, after all I’m not a smoker, I eat crazy healthy, take supplements, meditate daily, everything you should do for inner and outer health, how can I have cancer. In November, I came down with acute pneumonia that kicked my butt. Even with aggressive antibiotics, the pneumonia hung on and would not clear up. My doctored. suggested I have a CT to rule out any other causes for not improving. That test changed everything. It was not super clear at first what they were looking at. It did not look completely like cancer but it did not look like infection either. The doctors suggested a wait and see approach with a rescan.
I was relieved, I was going to hold onto the hope that it wasn’t cancer and put my head into the sand on the possibility it could be down the road. However, my body didn’t agree with my mind. I found myself with a continually sense of this is the “wrong choice” in my gut. Meditation after meditation I received the same message and a new one, “You know you have cancer and your body is asking for help before it is too late.” Again, I pushed the voice back. I tried to convince myself that I was creating a fear that wasn’t there. I tried tapping (EFT) on the “fear” to help it calm down in my body. The fear went away, great! However, it was replaced by a stronger knowing that I needed to be more persistent with my voice in my own health. I called my Dr. back up and pushed harder for what else I can do in the meantime to rule out cancer and find out why the pneumonia was not improving now after 2 months.
At my request, additional tests were ordered. I ended up heading out to one of the top cancer clinics in the world. Each step of the way I was met by doctors. Some didn’t value my voice – terms like Western medicine has it’s limits and standard of care, where thrown at me to try and persuade and downright bully me into decisions. Some of the doctors listened and took the information I was giving them and my wish for an integrative holistic approach. In the past, I would have lost my voice and given up any power I had over my body and its care at the first bully doctor OR gotten pissed and took myself out of the health system all together. This time I went to each appointment and test with the intention and actions to match of maintaining an authentic voice to myself and my body.
My current outlook and intention as I look at a long treatment to overcome this obstacle called cancer – I have been given a chance to repair one of my greatest blocks – partnering with the medical profession for my own healing and health. When I was sick at 13 I had no control over what happened to me, what care I was given, and what I wanted. Now, at 39, and after years of shedding negative beliefs and thought patterns that drained me of my inner power, I can use my voice to meet my needs. I didn’t want to become a bully back, instead I wanted to find the balance. I was going to make sure I held onto my voice with an openness and compassion toward myself and toward those trying to help me.
The result, finding a rare type of cancer that often goes undiagnosed often times until it is too late because it does not show up on PET and CT scan like “traditional” cancer. Armed now with my dream team of doctors and health care providers I selected, I have decided on a path of treatment and it honors my body, mind, and spirit. I know I will come out the other side of this challenge stronger because I am choosing a path that is authentic to me.
Sending light love and support to all of you that have struggled to find your authentic voice – we can do it!
Michelle
