Trouble Meditating? A simple shift that might make all the difference!
When I make the suggestion to my clients that adding in mindfulness practices will help them reach their healing goals they often share similar responses like,
“I’ve tried to do a mindfulness practice, but it just doesn’t work for me. I don’t feel better after I sit, I feel worse!”
Have you felt similar?
I get it! In fact, it is way more common than you think. I, too, first felt defeated and about to give up on learning “formal” meditation practices. In 2010, I was at a training retreat learning the skills of mindfulness-based stress reduction. With each exercise, I became more dysregulated and felt an unexplained desire to stand up, scream, and run. I was breathing through it, but felt embarrassed and like the only one not “getting it”. I was about to leave early, when a fellow participant came up to me at a break and said, “Excuse me, I think being still is a threat to you, not a help. You might want to try moving instead of sitting.” Turns out she was a trauma survivor who originally learned to meditate through walking, not sitting. She discovered this method at Plum Village, a global mindfulness center founded by the late Thich Nhat Hanh. There she learned that walking was often helpful for people that had experienced trauma in their past. She was spot on!
We often have an image that to “do” meditation right, we have to be still, train our body NOT to respond to impulses, or not be distracted. However, if you have any type of a trauma background, you might have survival mechanisms driving you behind the scenes to keep moving and ignore any messages of your body, mind, and heart that might be present. The simple act of sitting down and telling your body to breathe and stay still could signal danger, not relaxation. Unknowingly, every time I tried to sit in stillness, focus on my breath, while also resisting the impulses to move that were growing in my system was, I was telling my system, “There is a threat! You can’t respond, be still!” Those were the same messages that matched every trauma story I had in my system, hence the desire to stand up, scream, and run away that was pulsing through me during my initial retreat.
Experiencing feelings of frustration and increased reactiveness in your nervous system is more typical than you might think. A recent article from McGill University, that like me, many people reported that mindfulness activities increased feelings of angst, shame, and spontaneous reliving of past traumas pulling them out of present time. They also shared that out of the thousands of users that purchased a one-year membership to Calm, a leading mindfulness app, when followed over time, over half of them stopped using the app within one year.
The big question is: How do we help our system reduce or shift our relationship with stress responses without re-traumatizing it?
One of my teachers, Shamash Alidina, defines mindfulness as “the skill of flexibly cultivating present moment awareness with a sense of kindness, curiosity, and openness. At the heart of mindfulness is being kind to yourself and others.”
His definition of mindfulness invited me into a different goal with meditation. Instead of trying to keep my body still and non-responsive I wanted to learn how to be in present time dialog with it. Additionally, he invited me into improving the quality of how I was with myself in the present moment basing to in “a sense of kindness, curiosity, and openness”. For example:
- If my body was telling me it had to stretch and I told it no, was that kind?
- If my mind was racing trying to share all the things I never listened to because I habitually ignored it with the busyness of my day, was that being curious?
- If I felt a sensation like worry in my body, yet not turn toward it to see what it was worried about, was that being open to what my system was asking for help within present time?
Holding Shamash’s definition with the advice to bring in movement, I realized my image of what meditation had to look like needed an updated to become trauma informed.
Trauma informed practices are about creating a new relationship with myself and my system that honors the fact that it became disconnected for a reason and also honors my desire to reconnection with it in present time.
Helping our system gain comfort with real time dialogs without the threat of judgements is the process often called befriending, to become a friend with your system and inviting your system to be a friend to you.
First Steps – Befriending your System – Taking your Mind for a walk.
Imagine if for the first 5 minutes of catching up with a friend that both of you tried to do “nothing” in that space, not saying hello, acknowledging each other, or moving. It would be pretty awkward right? Instead of trying to start meditation by sitting for 5 minutes and struggling to control your what your mind is focused on or suppressing the impulses to do anything but what you are doing grow within you, I invite you to come through a different doorway. Asking your system to go on a mindful “walk” with activities that feel familiar to you and allow you to move AND talk. These activities will automatically feel safer to your system such as walking, drumming, dancing, singing, and even work out routines.
Steps for a Mindful Check-in practice with your “walks”:
- Take the different aspects of you for a “walk”. During your walk, check-in with your body, mind, or heart just like you would do catching up with a friend. Asking:
- How are you doing today?
- Would you like to share what you are feeling, sensing, or thinking right now?
- Be an active listener. Nothing is worse than feeling like someone isn’t really listening, trying to fix you, or give unsolicited advice. As you are walking, give your system a chance to share what was happening with it right now and for you to share too.
- Set a time frame. Our system doesn’t like unknowns. Set a time window for your check-ins, about 3-5 minutes is a great length of time to start.
- Offer Real Time Support. This is the big one. Ask, "What would be helpful right now?" Most trapped trauma stories are stuck because we didn’t feel there was anyone to listen or help us tend to our needs. Asking the system what would be helpful right now, breaks the cycle and helps build new pathways of being kind to ourselves.
Again, you can bring these short check-ins into your workouts, walks, daily chores, and even standing in lines. Pro-tip: you can even have your check-in chats out loud if you have earbuds in because no one knows you are having an inner staff meeting instead of talking to a friend ☺
Use these check-ins anytime you find yourself floating out of the present moment, feeling overwhelmed, or anxious. They are great ways to quickly break the cycle of checking out and bring you back into present moment connection with yourself, getting curious about what was happening, and asking what would be helpful right now.
Let’s practice a short Check In right now, you can do this either walking or sitting, your choice ☺
- Take a moment and open to your Body Being with the intention to become greater friends with it. Maybe even say hello!
- Pause and listen, what do you notice in response?
- Simply be with it for about 90 seconds - sense, feel, see, hear, know what is coming in reply.
- Ask, what would be helpful right now? Maybe it is to take a short walk break, get a glass of water, or give your body a little stretch. Answer that request as best as you can.
- Thank your system for sharing with you.
- Set your next meet up time! Let it know you will be back for another chat.
As you continue to try out these short check-ins, you might be surprised at the friendship that begins to grow! Before you know it, you will be open to meeting each other with greater ease and even inviting yourself into moments of deeper connection and even welcome stillness.
Curious about more types of practices and how to deepen your current practices? Check out these other great free resources:
- Past Blogs – Inner Work and the Power of Choice and What is a Contemplation Practice
- Free access to Connecting with Joy Season 2 Episode 19 – Contemplation Practices: The Game Change on Any Healing and Growth Path.
Offering light, love, and JOY,
Michelle
