Breaking Out of Decision Fatigue with Self-Compassion

One of the main topics clients ask for support with is breaking the habit of decision fatigue and its close partner, analysis paralysis. 

The way we are taught to work with these habits is to push through them and move on. If you have tried this approach, you most likely know that all this does is create a sense of inner shame and self-rejection when you find yourself circling back around over and over again.

I want to offer a different approach to these extremely costly patterns, rooted in self-compassion and curiosity instead of shame and self-bullying.

Think of these patterns like getting stuck in an undertow or current. When we try to swim directly toward the shoreline, our “goal,” we only drain ourselves out and end up being pulled further out and/or under by more self-doubt and self-judgement. However, if we are willing to swim sideways, in a direction that seems off course for a little bit, and take a moment to seek understanding and awareness, we break out of the pull of the undercurrent and can reach the shoreline once more, a little wiser and able to spot that type of undercurrent more easily in the future.

Here’s my three-step process for breaking out of decision fatigue:

Step One – Ask: What am I getting “stuck” in? 

During this step, we are not looking to judge, shame, or blame. We are seeking to turn toward our “thinking mind” with compassion, curiosity, and a genuine desire to understand what our fears and worries are, and not necessarily the voice that we are talking to ourselves in.

For example, my daughter recently was trying to decide if she wanted to apply for an internship. She was on the fence and kept saying, “Well, I don’t know if it would really be that great, and it might not even be something that I would like if I got it.” I asked her to take a moment and see what was behind her thoughts. As she slowed down and asked, there was a quiet voice in the back of her heart that said, “What if we apply and we don’t get it? Or worse, what if we get it and we can’t do it well?” Her real fear wasn’t that she wouldn’t like it or that it wasn’t something that would interest her. It was the fear of potential failure and the threat of humiliation and embarrassment that pulled her into an undercurrent.

Step Two – Awareness: What other options am I being guided to take?

Once we have asked the first question and connected with the often quieter voice that is rooted in a deeper fear or more vulnerable worry, we allow our awareness to be guided to where that fear is coming from and who it is connected to.

For my daughter, it came from an old, familiar story among her school peers. They weren't kind at all; if a peer tried something new and wasn't successful, they were cruel to them afterward. I helped her remember that she wasn’t in that scenario anymore and that she didn’t have to answer to that type of peer group anymore either. She had changed, her peers had changed, and she also didn’t have to share any information with her current peers if she didn’t want to. And I asked her, “If those fears weren’t there, would you want to apply?” Resounding yes.

Step Three – Act: What small steps can I take right now that are in alignment with my guidance?

All acts of witnessing bring you into the third step – aligned action. At this point, we can see the old pattern, have compassion for where the pattern came from and why it feels like it still needs to be in place to protect us, AND we can also see how that pattern no longer serves us and how it is even limiting us from a choice point that we can feel is in alignment with our True Self. This is our choice point and the moment when we have a chance to take committed action that breaks the habit and heads for the shoreline.

For my daughter, I asked her how long it would take her to draft her application and essay response. A few hours. Great! Take a couple of hours, draft your application, and email it to me to celebrate the win. From there, she could edit and review it with her advisor and hit submit by the end of the week, a few days before the deadline. In the meantime, she could do a little more research on other opportunities just in case and submit applications for those as well, giving her a well-rounded approach to picking an internship for the summer that will be the best fit, not simply the one that she thinks she will get.

Extra Healing Tip – How to reflect on choices if they don’t seem to be working out “well”

IF you are working with a past choice point instead of a current one, OR find yourself thinking the choice that you made from this process isn’t “working,” I remind myself and clients that once we make a choice, we have made it. There is nothing we can think, say, or do that will undo that truth. We don’t need to jump right back in the same undercurrent again. Imagine that there is a loving lifeguard on duty who closes down the beach and says no to our nervous parts when we want to second-guess ourselves. If there is a choice that needs to be cleaned up or revisited, we will do it from a present-time point of view and not from a past choice point.

For example, if I decide to not take an umbrella to work and it starts raining, my energy is better spent on a new choice point: how to get from the car to the office with as little rain impact as possible. What is in my car? Can I wait a few more minutes? Can I phone a co-worker to see if they have an umbrella and can come help me out? All current-time reflections, not beating myself up for not taking an umbrella in the first place and not shaming myself for not having an umbrella in the car.

Take it into practice today with your life

To help you bring this practice into your life, I recorded a short video exploring the fears that can hold us back, along with a card draw from the Sacred Witness Oracle deck. It’s an invitation to meet those fears with compassion and give yourself permission to take a first step, even if it’s a little messy! 

If this practice is helpful for you, you might love our new membership program, the Sacred Witness Circle LIVE, where I share weekly card draws and videos and host two live gatherings each month for members to share tips like this and also answer questions that members have about their own practices and stumbling blocks like this.